Tapeworm for Two
It’s rare for me to write a song for a show mostly because song writing just ain’t my game. Usually, I start with an existing melody or song as a way to cheat then flounder until I give up. Tapeworm for Two came pretty quickly, but we’re not doing it for the show for a variety of reasons…like three other and much better songs hit the table.
So here’s Tapeworm for Two, and here’s the Judy Collins song that fired the whole thing up for me.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
A HUSBAND is in the kitchen wearing an apron and staring at a cookbook. He closes it in disgust.
His WIFE ENTERS.
WIFE
Hey sweetie.
HUSBAND
Hey you.
They hug and kiss.
WIFE
Whatcha doin?
HUSBAND
I was gonna cook lasagna, then started looking at all my recipes, and just got discouraged about what we eat and how we eat.
WIFE
Oh honey, I love your cooking.
HUSBAND
I know, but I think we need to start eating better, make some changes.
WIFE
Well, I know we’ve talked about it so I’m willing to support you.
HUSBAND
Good because…well…
WIFE
What is it, honey?
HUSBAND
I bought something for us to get started. Just have a seat.
The husband gets a container with a medical seal (of some sort).
HUSBAND
Okay, so just hear me out.
WIFE
Okay.
The music from Judy Collins’ “Both Sides Now” begins to play.
The husband begins to sing.
HUSBAND
(singing)
Rows of bowls of angel hair
pasta sitting everywhere.
You’d like to have some, yes it’s true.
I’d like to have some too.
The wife smiles.
HUSBAND (CONT’D)
(singing)
But now we both must lose some weight.
I’d like to relive our first date,
before we reached our present girth
were filled with love and self worth.
The husband pulls a worm from the medical container.
HUSBAND (CONT’D)
I’ve got a pal to swallow now.
And one for you, I’ll show you how.
A parasitic friend so true,
Please join me in tapeworm for two.
WIFE
I’m not swallowing a worm.
HUSBAND
(singing)
Hams and clams and cheese wheels.
The gluttony of every meal
tempered by the simple fact,
this good guy in our GI tract.
Stop living out this diet rut
put something good inside our gut.
T. Saginata is his name.
He’s larval but he’s got gastric game.
The Husband eats the worm.
WIFE
Yer disgusting.
HUSBAND
(singing)
I’ve got a pal to swallow now.
And one for you, I’ll show you how.
A parasitic friend so true,
Please join me in tapeworm for two.
WIFE
“Disgusting” doesn’t even really cover it.
HUSBAND (CONT’D)
(singing)
Tears and fears and feeling sick,
A swampy head and fog so think,
Side effects that aren’t so bad,
A lifestyle change, this is no fad.
The wife looks in her purse, finds her phone and dials a number.
HUSBAND (CONT’D)
(singing)
Our old friends will start acting strange
I’ll shit blood; you’ll have the mange.
Constipation’s not the only thing,
Obstructed colon, vomiting.
WIFE
(on phone)
Paula? Val. Yes, let’s go out for drinks after all.
HUSBAND
(singing)
I’ve got a pal to swallow now.
The wife EXITS.
HUSBAND (CONT’D)
(singing)
And one for you, I’ll show you how.
A parasitic friend so true,
Please join me in tapeworm for two.
The music fades.
The husband realizes he’s alone.
He eats the second worm.
LIGHTS.
